Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Monday?
No. Next question.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.