When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..