unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
That’s it.I’m out.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!