Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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Breaking news:
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.