GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Raisins are grape jerky.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.