Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I gave up going to work for lent.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*