I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Beware…..
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together