The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
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How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk