🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Thinking about Jeff
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.