7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.