FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My boss called in sick of me
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?