Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.