I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
You Might Also Like
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Breaking news:
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?