Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
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Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
In case you needed to hear it:
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”