[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
ouch
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen