“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Möther may I have a snäck
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron