Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it