Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.