We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Before & after 😅
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.