I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.