“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.