[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
You Might Also Like
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?