Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.