Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday