Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…