When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Yoga Matt
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
podcasts
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.