I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss