The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.