Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?