You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.