Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
rise and shine we got egg
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.