America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Phonetics
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Ken is short for chicken
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.