any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What’s a Messi?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory