I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.