Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good