I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.