“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.