A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords