I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift