“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”