*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on