olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.