sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.