They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
You Might Also Like
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”