You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*