a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
i choose….tongue
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.