Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!