CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
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Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
A family that plays together cheats.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman