[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
🙁