I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
You Might Also Like
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*limbos under the caution tape
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.